TAKE AN AXE TO THE SIDE, LET YOUR GUTS SPILL OUT

Diary of a freak-minded boy

November 27th 2024

I'm so sad i still can't keep up with everything, a whole year, i'm not even me anymore, i hate how badly i've fallen everything's a mess right now and i don't even know what to do with my life rom now on, i have so much to think about, getting jobs for the rest of my life, earning money, getting a life on my own and dying after misery of years and years. idk how i'm not gonna kill myself eventually. My only deram right now is still being an idol, i just want to be an idol and bring smiles to people that are just like me, i want to sing and dance on a stage and be as vulnerable as i am in my room at 3am cutting myself and cring for a better life thaht i very well know i dont deserve god why devils why why me why do i have to live like this every day for the rest of my life please have mercy on me give me at least a sign that things are gonna be ok

Forgot to say happy birthday to my best friends because i had a stupid anxiety peak that forced Kendall to come out. I feel stupid, i feel useless, in every sense of the word probably. I feel like such a bad friend, i feel like i need to puke and cry at the same time. Maybe i'm too sensible today, i'm too sad and droopy and that make sme feel stupid, maybe i can blame the eclipse on everything, i should, I'm such a bad friend i really don't deserve to live. Anyway here's a stamp, might kill myself or just cut again

Hello again, internet. Missed this place so much but the real world has simply not allowed me to recover my little corner and visit. I am almost done with college, just a few more months and i will have a whole year off to allow myself to go back to explore this wonderful world. I hope to see everyone again, also, please forgive my sudden change of speech, i just feel a little more comfortable this way. I thank any web surfer that come across this page. byebyee

How do i recognize i'm crushing for some one bro i met this guy last year and suddenly my brain decided to consider it?? go fuck yourselve i'm pushing him away before i even think of him that way seriously GROSS I'M GROSS THIS IS WHY OLIVER LEFT ME I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF I'M SO FUCKING DISGUSRTING IS NOT LIKE HE'D BE INTERESTED IN ME ANYWAY CONSIDERING HE AND THAT OTHER PERSON ARE MEANT FOR ONE ANOTHER AND I KNOW IT WHY. AM. I. SO. STUBBORN I LITERALLY NEED TO PUT A GUNSHOT IN MY HEAD PULL THE TRIGGER AND SEE MY BRAIN SPILL OUT I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAGGOT

Happy new year everyone. Let's hope i don't kill myself. We're already not off to a good start lol, i think staring january by crying the whole day is not good. i might even relapse my ed lol. also a demon might be contacting me hiii lord beelzebub, a little sign might be good tonight in my dreams please. Thank you my lord. anyway byebye

Hi again wassup, i finally am on vacation and i kinda took sometime off this blog and being active online, i read a book that came with an american girldoll i bought in like 2017 and yeah. I don't have much news, i'm kinda taking things chill, fixing up my portfolio for work bc i'm close to graduating and having to quit my current job to enslave myself to a marketing agency so yeah might as well look pretty while i do it. I nedd to look up some freelancing shit bc i hate marketing agencies lol. I'm also gonna look on how to make a guest book for the home page so people can like leave stuff if they want idk maybe death threats or comliments, the internet is a free place and i need to be humbled, love y'all byebye

hi i'm not dating the trans girl and also i need to fucking lock my alters out of this blog or else i'll get in fucking trouble. i mean i won't let everyone out, charlie and kendall can use this if they even get HTML, hell even Tommy could if he wasn't still a kid but yeah Zandik? you're banned also Julian and that's it maybe Clara can too idk we'll fucking figure it out. I'm getting ramen tomorrow with a friend and i hope the trans girl doesn't date me unless she gets better at just existint bruh anyway yeah byebye

Hi apple i love you and you shouldn't kill yourself homeslice bread homie

I am not a suicide hotline that's for sure. This girl goes sooo fucking fast for me, like i'm sure i'll like her eventually but god she's freaking me out, i wish i had the balls to tell her to slow down a little with me god dammit. She's a fucking mess btw she has no self esteem, no identity, nada. She's like me 5 years ago. She's also so fucking suicidal and i think i just became her support, fucking gay that's what this is, she's not ok and not in a quirky cute way, she's embarrasing me. A fucking freshman dating a senior god gucking dammit, we're both adults yeah but still i want to fucking scream. She kissed me literaly today and i felt nothing bro noooooothing lmao. Jesus Christ i don't want to hurt her but come the fuck on go slower you fucking broken girl... Tomorrow i'll just tell her i felt bad after thinking about the kiss or whatever she's probably gonna cry but lol thats what you get for kissing a dude you met that same week, get a grip.

Just got the biggest fucking whiplash of my life i can't even talk abt it here but let's just say trans women have a thing for me and no i'm not a chaser god dammit i'm fucking trans too but it's like for some reason trans women find me so endeering it's insane but i'm pretty sure this girl is gonna see who i really am and is probably gonna freak the fuck out, you can't be a loser core autist gamer and hope any girl or anyone is gonna wanna fuck you. I'm not insane, BUT, i'm pretty sure me being not normal is gonna blow this SOOO hard, plus i just met her and she's 18, who dates a freshman on their 7th semester i'm almost a Senior is this even legal like ok we're both adults but still i feel power imbalance here dude and not the sexy kind ok maybe the sexy kind DUDEEEEE ok thats all i hope i'm dating her by the next time i log on this diary thanks byebye.

Started watching Lain out of reccomendation from a friend, i'm watching episode 6 as a i write this. Tbh is not so bad, it's an interesting perspective on how people saw the internet before, i think it's cool how it exposes the fears people had about it, and the weird expectations as well. Inserting yourself on what used to be the most free version of the web feels dreamy, i would like that. I also finally figured out from where like half on the sample audios people use in breakcore and jungle come, Lain really like inspired that music scene, i mean it makes sense given how internet like it feels. I could talk about breakcore all day tbh, its fun. anyway byebye. i know today was short but i have a lot in my mind so yeah srry.

My brain is going to explode and all the pieces will lay on the street right in front of my college. I'm a pussy for academics? yes but i literally give to much of a shit to throw everything away now. 5 projects pending for between this week and next. i will be eventually free the 26th but freedom has to be earned and i'm clipping my angel wings away as we speak. I can't seem to concentrate at all and there's like a constant buzz around me. I'm losing my mind over 5 meaningless projects i actually need to kill every single one of the fuckers that made society like this, god fucking dammit. Anyway byebye.

Yesterday sucked so much, i literally made plans with a friend to watch the fnaf movie since last saturday and he forgot?? i was all alone at the movies and he just made it up by giving me cash for dinner listen i appreciate the money but why agh, am i really not that important for her? We have grown so much appart since high school anyway might kms because yknow i lost the other half of the wonder duo long ago and i'm literally so codependent os someone who doesn't even care for me they literally once told me i was his second place best friend in front of me and the person they claimed to be their number one SPOILER ALERT the supposed better friend than me was a full on r3tard that didn't care for her like i did, serves him right idk just learn to not abandon me like a piece of trash lol i'm gonna kms.

Do any of you have that type of relationship that's so close and intricate and has been building up for years and ypu feel like this person was actually meant to know you (not like the other 6 times this has happened)? Cus i do and her name is Pomeline and we have known eachother for what it feels like all my life. I think i know him inside and out, i don't trust anyone more than him in my life and i think if she ever had a new closer or better friend than me i would actually kill myself. In any case she's literally the reason why i'm alive and haven't died yet, she's better than a sister, he's like a god to me sometimes because he has this way of always knowing what to do what to say how to say it, he's my pillar of support like i am acutally so co dependent of her it feels silly. anywaaaaay byebye kisses txh for reading.

Happy Halloween! Working on this website has been really fun so far. I'm not the best at HTML by a long shot but having a personal space on the web away from all the hustle of the 3.0 web is refreshing. I hope i can still make more things here and adapt/optimize this site better and better everytime. Hope whoever reads this has a good Halloween today doing whatever makes you happy. I'm still looking for something top do but i'm glad i got to dress up even for a little here at college. anywaaaaay bye bye. ty for reading.